


Tattoo's Story

by flynnaw00



Series: Into The Twoieverse One Shots [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Corrupted Steven Universe, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flynnaw00/pseuds/flynnaw00
Summary: The events of Fragments through The Future as seen in Tattoo's Timeline. This is a fic mainly for the SUTIMETRAVELAU on Tumblr, and is not canon to the actual main au. Feel free to read if you want, though!
Series: Into The Twoieverse One Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1705696
Comments: 32
Kudos: 143





	1. Fragments

**Author's Note:**

> "Alright, let's do this one last time:"
> 
> (lol)

Steven looked down at the crater where Jasper once stood, his form buzzing with energy. He panted, coming down from his massive high as he floated down to the ground. He chuckled, feeling his confidence swell.

“Oh, man, you got _destroyed_ , Jasper!” He gloated. “Didn’t mean to poof you, though, but I _won_! **_HA!_** How’s _THAT_ for pathetic!?”  
  
He knew he probably shouldn't be bragging like this, but it just felt so _good_ to finally _win_ at something-- to _succeed_ and to _feel_ _victory once again._

He walked up to the crater, dispelling the shields that used to surround Jasper and kneeling down to scoop up her gem. “Let’s get you back to the ca--”   
  
He stopped.  “Huh?”

In front of him was Jasper’s gem, smashed into pieces. 

He stared at them for a while, sure his eyes must be playing a trick on him. If he touched the gem, he would find that… it was whole. And maybe it was just, covered in mud? Or the light hit it weirdly?   


He poked a shard and it rolled over, proving that he had indeed shattered Jasper. He gasped.

Thunder struck and rain crashed down, pelting him on the back like a punishment. Steven shrank down to his normal size and stopped glowing, all energy being sapped from him. 

He stared at the shards for a few more moments, wide eyed, before he felt a wash of emptiness pass through him. He sighed and ran a hand through his damp hair, brushing it back and shutting his eyes, ridding Jasper’s shards from his vision.

“Of course.”   
  
He laid back in the mud, staring up at the rain coming down.

Of  _ course  _ this happened. Everything always went wrong in his life, ever since he was a kid. It felt like life itself had decided, just like so many gems before, to personally hurt him day after day.

It wasn't like he didn't deserve it, though.

He deserves this, doesn’t he? He’s a terrible person. Although he befriended all of the enemy gems, were any of his connections ever sincere? They cared about him, but he never felt the same way. He was still wary around them-- which was terribly mean to those gems, wasn’t it? Even if they did try to kill him, they’ve made up for their actions, haven’t they? And he manipulated the Diamonds into freeing the Earth-- making them care about him just like he does to every other gem. But he dislikes the Diamonds. They scare him. 

But even that was better than how he handled things now.  He cracked Bluebird a few days ago. She was still in a bubble in the temple.  And now, this is karma. Karma for hurting her so badly, for not giving her a chance to be his friend. Even if she was going to hurt his father, haven’t all gems put his friends and family’s lives in danger?

He didn’t even try.

And now, a gem who he  _ liked _ , he  _ shattered _ .

The rain kept coming down, soaking his clothes, making them _heavier_ and _colder--_ making _him_ heavier and colder. He opened his eyes again, staring up at the rain, lip quivering. He could hold his grief no longer, and screamed out a gut-wrenching sob. His throat burned as he wailed in the rain, curling up and holding himself because he knew nobody would comfort him this time.

He felt he didn’t deserve that.

As the rain kept pouring, and thunder started to strike more often, the rain mixed in with the mud, making it drip down into the crater and close in on Jasper’s shards. Through his bleary eyes, he saw this.

“No.” He whispered, crawling forward and gathering up her shards into his palm. He realigned them, making sure every piece was accounted for. His jaw set.

He needed to fix this.

He frowned, losing some resolve.

_ Could he?   
_   
He wiped his eyes and got up, putting her in his pocket. _He had to try._

He looked out to the edge of the woods, and started walking. As he walked, he felt his emotions flowing out of him. He whimpered and held back a sob. Dr. Maheswaran told him it was a defense mechanism, but he still hated this emptiness. He just  _ killed  _ someone, shouldn’t he feel a little more awful than he does right now? For a little longer? 

He opened the car door and started the car, not bothering to buckle up.

He felt… a pain in his chest. A familiar hollow feeling. Depression? He didn’t want to think about his doctor’s visit anymore-- none of that talking even helped. He was just getting worse, and he would keep getting worse until the day he died.

He shook his head. No thoughts about that now. He needed to get Jasper home, and  _ soon _ .

He slammed on the gas, speeding through town. 

\----

He walked into the house. Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst looked up.    


Steven walked past them, their cries muffled in his ears as he stalked towards the bathroom. Pearl grabbed his arm, and he yanked it off, kicking open the bathroom door and then slamming it shut behind him. 

“Steven! Open this door right NOW!”   
  
“Give me a minute.” He mumbled. He locked the door calmly and then pulled Jasper out of his pocket, staring at her broken body again.   
  
“...”   


He placed her on the counter and started to fill up the tub.

_ Would this even work? _

_ And if it did, would it really matter? He still killed her, he doubted that she’d forgive him. _

_ Then again, he didn’t deserve forgiveness. _

The tub was almost overflowing now; he shut off the tap quickly. He let some water drain before plugging it up and grabbing the Diamond essence bottles. He popped open Yellow’s and poured in a bit more than he normally would. Same with Blue and White. Then, he spit in the tub and grabbed Jasper, holding her together and placing her inside.

The colours of the tub swirled into one, and Steven could only now hear arguing from the Gems outside. 

“-- know WHAT the hell is going on, Pearl!!!”   
  
“I don’t know EITHER but we need to DO something!”

Steven tuned them out again, guilt searing through his gut. He glanced back down at his hands.

“...”   
  
He opened them.

The shards floated away.

His throat tightened and took in a short breath. 

“No…”   
  
His eyes burned.   
  
“Shit.”   
  
He leaned over the tub and shook.   
  
“... T-tears…” He muttered as he realized. “Tears… _please_.”   
  
He gathered her up as his tears dropped in, splashing pink into the tub.   
  
“Please work, tears. I need you. I  _ need  _ this.” He begged.   


He screwed his eyes shut.

“ _ She _ needs this.”

He squeezed her gem tightly.

“Please.”   
  
The rain pattered against the bathroom window, and lightning flashed, casting shadows across his lonely, dark, bathroom.

He opened his eyes.

Suddenly, there was warmth in his palms. He gasped and held on as light poured out from the spaces in his hands. Once it became too much, he let go and watched as her gem floated up, light warbling below her and struggling to take form.

She appeared, terrified for a moment. Her eyes glanced around the room wildly before staring at Steven. 

“...Y-you  _ shattered  _ me.” She choked out.    


Steven bowed his head to the floor, hunching up.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered.   


Lightning flashed across the room again. Jasper’s shadow cast on him.

After a few quiet moments, Steven heard the water slosh around in the tub as Jasper stepped out. She walked to him and knelt, lifting his face to her level.

“Please, don’t bow to me.” She said gently. Steven blinked in surprise. 

_ She was being so kind right now… why? He should be yelled at-- punished! What he did was inexcusable... _ _  
_   
She stood them up. Steven allowed it. He looked at her face, scanning it to get at what she was really feeling. She spoke before he could think any more.

“It’s unbefitting of a Diamond to bow to his court.”   
  
She bowed to him.

“My Diamond.”   
  
Steven stared down at her. Only now did he realize one of her horns was cracked, and the stripe across her face was broken in two. Other parts of her had changed as well, reminding him of his terrible deed.

His shoulders dropped and his expression became empty.

“... Mm.”


	2. Homeworld Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes to Homeworld to get some advice

“Steven!” Pearl shouted, banging on the bathroom door. “Come out! We need to talk!”   


Jasper slammed open the door. The CG’s backed up.

“Jasper!?” Amethyst jumped. 

Pearl stared at her. “What are you--"  


“Where’s Steven!?” Interjected Amethyst.

“Right here!” Jasper announced, stepping to the side with her hands folded in a Diamond salute to reveal a vacant Steven.

“Steven…?” Amethyst asked. “Where have you been?”

“You can’t just disappear for days without telling us!” Pearl chastised. 

“ _ My Diamond _ can do as he pleases.” Jasper huffed.

“Wait, what!?” Amethyst fretted.

“Why are you calling him that!?” Pearl asked.

Garnet stepped in between the two parties, placing a hand on Steven’s shoulder. “Steven, you don’t look well.”   
  
Steven didn’t respond. She shook him lightly. He wavered along with her but didn’t even blink. 

“What happened to him?!” Pearl badgered Jasper. “Why is he like that!?”

Jasper shrugged. “Dunno. He  _ should _ be proud.”

“Dude?” Amethyst walked up to him and waved a hand in front of his face. He glanced at it, but didn’t respond.

“Steven.” Garnet took off her visor. “Tell us what’s wrong.”   


He looked up at Garnet dully.

“... I’m… gonna go.” He drawled out.   
  
“What?” Amethyst furrowed her brows. Steven began to walk towards the steps.    
  
“Steven, something’s wrong.” Garnet stated, grabbing his arm. “Tell us.”   


Pearl tilted his face up to hers and brushed back a stray curl. “Steven…?”   
  
Steven’s lip quivered as she met his eyes, her own pleading and gentle. He shut his eyes and tugged his arm from Garnet’s grasp, turning pink and summoning a shield behind him, blocking his family. 

“Wh-- Steven, no!” Pearl cried as he walked up the stairs. “Drop this wall!”   
  
“Steven!”   
  
“My Diamond!”

Steven ignored their pleas, making his way up the stairs at a snail’s pace. Every step he took felt heavier than the last as his soaked clothes and sins weighed on him. He trudged, pink flickering like a busted neon sign, through his room, out the door, and onto the walkway to the greenhouse. The rain still poured down on him, pelting him again and again-- he did nothing to deflect it. 

He got into the greenhouse, taking a moment to shake whatever rain he could off of himself before  stepping on the warp, pink gone, and landing on Homeworld. 

He glanced up at the Diamond palace- which was now just White’s mech but with… tubes coming out? He didn’t really care enough to think about it too much, so he just made his way inside. Once inside, he overheard a tour being given by a purple Pearl, standing in front of the vacant Diamond thrones. He looked up at the thrones.  _ Where were the Diamonds? _

He cleared his throat and straightened himself out a bit, looking at the tour guide to ask just that. He stopped when he saw that she was staring at him. Everyone was.

He blushed. “Uh, what?”   
  
“I asked if you were okay?” The purple Pearl restated. “You’re very, um, filthy.”

Steven looked down at himself, then back from where he came. It appeared he tracked mud, rain, and general grime in with him, leaving a trail of unsightly footprints.

Steven scratched the back of his neck, smiling awkwardly. “Ah, shit. Oops.”

“Steven???”   
  
Steven turned. Spinel! A familiar face…

“Hey.” He greeted. She walked up to him curiously and put a finger circle around her eye, stretching the eye to look up and down at him comically. “Jeez, you fall into a lake or something?”   


He shrugged. He saw the tour move on without them. He glanced back at her. “Where are the Diamonds?”

“Oh,  _ now  _ you wanna talk to them!” She teased. “You never call, you never write…”   
  
Steven didn’t react.

She frowned. “I can lead you to them, if you want.”   
  
“That’d be nice, thank you.” He said. Spinel smiled and scooped him up in her arms. He squeaked. “What the hell??”   
  
“You seem tired! Plus, you already agreed! So let’s go, sleepyhead!” She dashed off down a hall. 

Steven felt dazed, watching the hallway move quickly beneath them as she dashed. He glanced up at her, meeting her eyes. She smiled warmly down at him and he smiled, too, just barely-- but it was the biggest smile he had managed all day. He decided he appreciated this and shut his eyes, letting it happen. 

“We’re here!” She said a few minutes later. Steven opened his eyes and looked around. There were three large doors: one white, one blue, and one yellow. 

“So… which Diamond did you need to see?”   
  
“Uh. I didn’t think that far.” He said. “I’m having troubles with… uh… hurting people. I… or, well, someone I know… hurt someone today.” He fumbled. “I need advice for hurting people and how to make up for it.”   
  
“Well, jeez, you coulda come to me for that!”   
  
“The Diamonds did worse than you, Spinel. And we’re already talking.”   
  
Spinel thought for a moment before answering. “ _ Welllll, _ Yellow disfigured millions of gems, Blue shattered millions, and White possessed people and stuff… so… they all did bad stuff, I guess… But that’s in the past now, right?”   
  
“Let me talk to Blue.” He said.

“What, am I your chauffeur now?” Spinel teased.

Steven blushed and began to climb out of her hold. “Ah, shoot, no, sorr--”

She tightened her grip and put him back in her carry. “I was joking! Jeez, you’re very serious today! Wanna try smiling for me?”   
  
Steven gave her a deadpan look. 

Spinel bit her lip. “Uh, well don’t worry! You’ll be smiling soon anyways!”    
  
She walked into Blue’s room and bounced up and down, skipping to her. 

“Blue, blue,  _ blueblueblueblueBLUE!!!!!!” _ She cheered obnoxiously.

Steven gripped her shoulders and whined.

Blue looked over. “Oh! Spinel! And Steven!” She smiled and floated down on her cloud. “Oh, dear, Steven, are you hurt?”   
  
“No, he’s just down.” Spinel said, tossing Steven onto a cloud. Steven shouted in surprise, then smiled as the cloud started to affect him. Spinel giggled.

“What the hell?” He asked, sitting up. “Why am I… strangely  _ happy _ ?”   
  
“That’s because of Blue’s cool new power!” Spinel remarked.   
  
“New power?” Steven asked, hopping off the cloud. Spinel caught him again.

Blue chuckled “Back before you came into my life, Steven, I wanted everyone to feel the pain I felt after losing Pink. Then, I realized I must make up for my awful behaviour by bringing  _ joy _ to others! In that moment, my tears vaporized into these clouds: bringing  _ pure joy _ to all who came in contact with them.” She explained, gesturing around the room at the clouds. 

Spinel beamed. “Just hop onto one and you’ll be feeling the cheer in no time! That should take care of your problem, right?”   
  
Steven shook his head. “No, I can’t just stay on a cloud forever… I need to talk this out with Blue.”   
  
“Talk what out?” Blue asked. Steven sighed and got out of Spinel’s carry, walking closer to Blue.   
  
“Oh! Allow me.” She said, forming a cloud for Steven. Steven shook his head. “No thank you, Blue, I don’t wanna do that right now.”   
  
“Aw, why not???” Spinel asked, hopping on his cloud and smiling. “Don’t you wanna be happy?”   


Steven shrugged. 

Blue hummed. "Alright... So, what’s troubling you?”   
  
“Okay, so…” He sighed. “Um… I…” His cheeks burned pink. He shut his eyes and willed it away with a deep breath out. “Okay… So let’s say that…  _ theoretically _ I… hurt someone.”

“Okay.”   
  
He glanced up at her. “Like… hurt as in shattered someone.”   
  
“Oh.” She nodded. “Okay.”   
  
“... A-and I didn’t actually do this. This is just  _ theoretically _ , okay?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“So you definitely understand.”   
  
Blue rolled her eyes. “Steven.”   
  
“Right, sorry. Um. Let’s-- yeah, okay, so  _ theoretically _ I shattered someone but brought them back. What do I do now? Like, you’ve shattered a  _ lot _ of people-- how do you ever move on from that?”   
  
Blue frowned and got off her cloud. 

“Well, Steven, I don’t feel  _ completely  _ better about it now. I do feel good most days, but sometimes my past crimes come back to… haunt me.” She sighed. “But I am doing my best by making up for it. I find shattered gems and bring them to Yellow to fix… and after they’re fixed, I make sure they’re happy!” She gestured around to the clouds. “So, that helps me feel less guilty.”   
  
“... So… what you’re saying is… I just need to do the  _ reverse _ of what I did to h-- to the  _ theoretical…  _ victim?”   
  
“I suppose so, yes.” Blue nodded. “But, you won’t feel better after just that--”   
  
“Okay, okay, I know-- but let’s say that  _ theoretically _ what I did was beat her, trap her, then shatter her? And, before that, I didn’t really do anything to her? I guess I insulted her a few times, but that’s it and-- and I don’t really know what the opposite of beating her up and shattering her is if I already brought her back?”   
  
“This is a very specific scenario, Steven.” Spinel commented. 

Steven flushed. “I have an active imagination.”

“I see…” Blue hummed. “Well, I’m not sure about that… um… maybe you can apologize to her for insulting her… apologize for shattering her, then have an honest talk about it? Communication is key.”

Steven thought for a moment, then nodded. “I understand. Okay. Thank you, Blue.”   
  
“I’m glad I could help.” She smiled. Spinel beamed and skipped up to Steven.   
  
“Wanna visit the other Diamonds?”   
  
“No, I’m good.” Steven said, standing up. “I know what to do now, I think. I don’t want to trouble White and I’m not sure how Yellow can help me.”   
  
Spinel nodded. “True, true. Okay, hop aboard!”  She scooped him up and raced down the hall again. 

This time, he shut his eyes and just relaxed immediately. He had forgotten how nice it was to be held…

They arrived at the warp and she placed him down. “Bye, bye, Steven!” She said. “I hope everything works out!”

“Me too.” He said.   
  
“And, Steven?”   
  
“Huh?” Steven turned around.    
  
Spinel formed her arm into a pinwheel. “Blow on this.”   
  
He stared at it for a few seconds before tentatively blowing on it. It spun around and made a silly noise and Spinel mimicked it, spinning her body around, too, like a toon.

“... What was that?” Steven asked after she settled down.   
  
“Something to cheer you up!” She said, grabbing his cheeks and making him smile. 

Steven snoofed, actually smiling this time. “Thanks, Spinel. I’ll see ‘ya around.”   
  
“Bye-bye!”   
  
He warped home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed!!!


	3. The Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven returns home, then visits the beach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this didn't turn out the way i wanted but w/e i can't keep rewriting it forever
> 
> //tw for suicidal thoughts and actions
> 
> disclaimer at end notes but there's spoilers at the end so watch out

He warped back into an empty greenhouse. The plants surrounding the periphery were either dead or dying, brown leaves rotting and falling off. It was like they didn’t even _want_ to stay alive. Steven felt a bit annoyed that all his hard work was going to waste. He brushed it off, deciding there were more important things to worry about, and went back inside, getting soaked on the way. 

Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst were on the couch. Jasper was waiting by the front door. Jasper perked up when she saw him and stood at attention. “My Diamond! You’ve returned!”  
  
The CGs gasped and immediately started rushing towards him. Steven, without willing it, turned pink and put a shield between them. He looked to Jasper. “Jasper, come to the greenhouse with me.”

Jasper’s eyes sparkled. “Yes, My Diamond!” 

She went up the stairs and met him on the landing. Steven looked back down at the gems, who were pressing against his shield defiantly. “Stay here. Don’t come. Everything will be fine.” He said bluntly, then walked away.

On his way back to the greenhouse, Jasper shielded him from the rain with her arms. He appreciated it, but the gratitude was soured by knowing that she only was doing it because she felt like she _had_ to.

They entered the Greenhouse and Jasper shut the door behind them before saluting him again. 

“Stop doing that, Jasper.” Steven commanded politely.  
  
She lowered her salute.

He sighed. “I’m not your Diamond, you know.”

Jasper frowned, heartbreak evident on her face. “But, My Dia--”  
  
“I’m not your Diamond.” He restated. “I’m just Steven. I’m sorry that I’m not what you want.”  
  
Jasper sighed.

“... Anyways,“ Steven began. “The reason I brought you here is to talk to you about what happened. What I did to you was awful, and I’m _so_ sorry about that. I know you probably already forgive me, since you thanked me for it or whatever, but I wanna make it up to you.”  
  
“My Dia… Steven, you don’t need to make it up to me.” She crossed her arms. “What you did was a glorious act of _power_ . You brought me back from the _dead_ . Do not apologize for that.”  
  
“I was apologizing for shattering you.”  
  
“Also something not to apologize for. You’re a Diamond, so--”

 **_“LET ME FINISH!”_ **He screamed, energy that had been missing before suddenly launching back into his body at the mention of being a Diamond. The floor was cracked now, and a few pots had fallen over in his wake. 

He glanced around, then sighed, the energy being sapped from his body again as he returned to his hunched over, non-pink, state. 

“Sorry.” He muttered. “Um. I was gonna say: how can I make it up to you?”  
  
Jasper took a moment to recollect herself, a little scared after his outburst. Finally, she answered: “You don’t.”  
  
“But I _do!_ ” He groaned. “That’s what all the _other_ Diamonds did! Blue made people sad, now they’re happy, Yellow destroyed forms, now she probably rebuilds them! White…”  
  
He thought.

“Uh- White does something good, too! So I _need_ to reverse what _I_ did! Make it up to _you_ ! So what do you want, huh? What’s the _reverse_ of me shattering y--”  
  
He froze, a sick idea coming to his overworked and jumbled up thought process.

He looked down at his stomach.

“... Jasper, hurt me.”  
  
 _“What?”_ Jasper backed up.

“Hurt me.” He said again, lifting his shirt. “I hurt you, you hurt me. Don’t shatter me, but you can crack me, if you want. I don’t care. You-- you deserve revenge. That’s what you want, right? That’s what _all_ of you want, yeah? So-- so… Go ahead. Hurt me. You hate me, hurt me.”

Jasper shook her head, bewildered. “You’re _begging me_ for _death?”_ _  
_  
“What!?” Steven sputtered. “Don’t... _phrase_ it that way! I’m just making up for what I did to you! A-and don’t _kill_ me!”  
  
Jasper looked down at his gem. “You _want_ me to crack you? Are you _serious_ ?”

Steven’s jaw set and he clutched his shirt, pink spreading from his cheeks. “Well, if you have any _other ideas--”_

“No!” Jasper refuted, backing up again, eyes glancing up from his gem and back down again, as if this wasn’t real.

Steven felt his face heat up. **_“WHY NOT!? HOW_ ** **_ELSE_ ** **_CAN I MAKE THIS UP TO YOU!? I CAN’T JUST LET THIS GO, JASPER!”_ ** **_  
_**  
Jasper opened her mouth to answer, then her gaze caught on something behind Steven. She took a step back, nervously, with her hands up.

Steven frowned and followed her gaze. He paled immediately. 

Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst stood in the doorway. Garnet was frozen, Pearl had her hands over her mouth in shock, tears in her eyes, and Amethyst looked on, devastated. 

“Steven…” Amethyst whispered, voice breaking. 

Steven yanked down his shirt and went pink. “Uh-- H-how much did you guys hear??”  
  
“We heard enough.” Garnet frowned. “I don’t understand what you’re making up for, but...” She turned away, lip quivering.

“It’s not like that.” Steven reassured. “I- I was just--... If she hurt me, then… we’d be even… and--” He struggled to find the words, now only realizing just how _fucked up_ his suggestion was. What the hell was _wrong_ with him? Why was her hurting him back his _first thought?_  
  
“YOU COULD STILL DIE, DUDE!” Amethyst screamed. “THAT’S **NOT** OKAY!”  
  
Pearl left the room. 

Steven backed up, breath quickening. It felt like the walls were closing in on him, weighing down just like everything else. His past, his murder, his depression, what he had _just_ done--

He bumped into something. He gasped, whirling around and looking up, meeting Jasper’s eyes. Jasper looked uneasy, avoiding his gaze and stepping back. He panted harder, pink burning beneath his skin and flowing to the rest of his body, _boiling_ , like lava, through his veins--

Amethyst put a hand on his shoulder.

“Steven, I know how-- how it feels to _hate_ yourself--”  
  
“I don’t--” Steven backed away, heart racing. “Leave me alone, you don’t want to deal with me.”  
  
Amethyst frowned, offended. “Wh-- of _course_ I wanna deal with you, Steven! I want you to feel better!”  
  
Steven shook his head, sidestepping around her, getting closer to the doorway as the room spun in his vision. “I’m just making you feel worse, aren’t I?” He asked, not caring for her answer. Whatever she responded with, he realized he already knew his truth.  
  
“What? Stev--”  
  
“I shouldn’t be here.” He choked out. The world slowed down, the rain falling at a snail's pace. He glanced outside, then before he could think, his legs whisked him away. 

Amethyst had tried to hug the space where he was, but he was gone in a flash. She sobbed, holding onto nothing. “Garnet, what do we do?”  
  
“I know.” Garnet assured, wiping her eyes behind her visor. “Come on, I might be able to see where he’s going.”  
  
They rushed out. Jasper stayed in the greenhouse.

\----

His feet thundered against the ground, pink streaking behind him as he sprinted across the beach, up the hill and down to the other side of the beach. He skidded to a halt in the sand, kicking it up around him and tossing him forward. He stumbled a bit before finding his footing and bending over, holding his aching stomach, pounding like his heart had dropped down. He crumbled to his knees and dug his hands in the sand. He could feel his body swelling up and glowing intensely, then going back down again with each breath. He grit his teeth and hissed at the discomfort. 

_Goddamnit, why did he have to run? Is that all he did now? Run? Because of whatever stupid shit was going on in his horrible brain?_

He laid down on the sand and groaned, hot tears streaking across his face.

 _Now they’re gonna come look for him and get even more worried-- what was he THINKING!? He should have just played it cool, then, if everyone thought things were okay, nobody would try to find him or help him or cry over him like Amethyst did-- he made his family_ **_cry_ ** _, how shitty is that? And, not only that, he practically fucking begged Jasper to crack him! He felt disgusting after hurting her, so why would he want to subject her to that same pain?_

 _‘You weren’t thinking, everything’s really stressful right now.’_ A reassuring part of his brain said. _Oh, really?_ He countered. **_No shit!_ ** _Of course I wasn’t thinking, I NEVER think about others anymore! Everything’s just me, me, me, and I don’t even realize until after I’m_ **_done_ ** _!_

_‘You did a lot of good things--’ IN THE PAST! Now, all he was was a stupid piece of shit who hurts his family, kills people, and runs away from his problems._

He sat up.

 _Why was he even here anymore?_ He had been thinking about that in the car, too, hadn’t he? _Why was he here? He did everything, he fixed everyone, and now all he was doing was listlessly moving through life as all the good parts left him behind. He didn’t deserve those anyways._

He looked out to the ocean, trying to focus on the seagulls to make his brain stop running. The sea lazily rolled by, washing up seashells and taking sand with it. Seagulls cawed and flew into the distance. The stars were very clear out here, he noted.

He tilted his gaze upward. 

It was a nice night out.

It didn’t make him feel any better.

He sighed and buried his head in his hands.

Nothing ever did.

Time passed, he didn’t know how long, but he saw the stars rotate above him and the sky get lighter. It wasn’t morning, no, but he knew it was extremely late. 

He yawned.

“I should go to bed…” He mumbled to himself. “Mm…”

“STEVEN!”  
  
Steven jolted and looked over as Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, Greg, and Connie ran to him. He paled as he caught sight of the humans.

Amethyst ran over and hugged him. “Oh, buddy, don’t run off like that!”  
  
“Steven!” Pearl hugged him, too. “Thank goodness we found you.”

Garnet, Connie, and Greg stood back, letting them embrace him and watching his face.

Steven sighed and tugged up the corners of his lips, hoping he could convince them to leave. “I wasn’t gone that long, you guys.”  
  
“I know.” Pearl said, sitting back. “But after what you said in the greenhouse, we were worried…”  
  
Steven nodded. “Yeah. I guess I can see how that would worry you.”

Amethyst looked him up and down, trying to see something. Steven didn’t know what she was looking for.

“So… are you okay?” She asked. “You… um… do you still feel the way you felt in the greenhouse?”  
  
“I don’t.” Steven lied, smiling wider at her. “Um… that was a misunderstanding anyways… I didn’t… _want_ her to hurt me.”  
  
“Then why did you ask her to?” Amethyst asked.

“Because I… felt like… she had to.” He answered. “I hurt her… and… so now she should hurt me.”  
  
“By hurting you?” Pearl asked, as if suggesting something ridiculous.

“Yes.” He answered. Pearl’s eyes widened. 

“... What did you do to her to make you feel like you had to be shattered?” Connie asked quietly. Steven glanced up at her. Her eyes were filled with sorrow. He looked back down.  
  
“Um, I didn’t ask her to _shatter_ me. I asked her to hurt me. I didn’t specify, guys.”  
  
“But what did you do to make you feel like…” Connie repeated, more assertively.

Steven’s smile weakened.

“... If I tell you, you won’t like me anymore.”

“What? No, no, we’ll still love you, no matter what it is!” Pearl reassured, rubbing his arm.

“We all love you very much, Steven.” Garnet said.

Steven winced slightly and sighed. 

“... I accidentally… shattered her.”

“What?” Amethyst whispered. The rest of the group gasped, horror passing through them. “Y-you’re joking, right?” Connie asked.

Steven shook his head. “No. I’m sorry. I never meant to, but we were fighting and…”

The memory replayed in his mind. The rush, the power, the feeling of finally _doing something right_ \-- of having a _purpose_ again. 

“... I went out of control.”

Connie gulped. “‘Went out of control?’”

“My Diamond powers are really strong. If I get too emotional, they activate and then… well… I can shatter someone easily, I guess.” He clarified, cheeks turning pink. “Like with Bluebird. I cracked her, remember?”

Everyone except Connie frowned, remembering the event.

“What? No, I didn’t know--” Connie looked around at everyone. “Steven… you cracked and then _shattered_ two people?”  
  
“I only shattered one, but yes.” He admitted languidly. “And I’m scared I might hurt you guys, too. There’s no telling what will happen when I’m angry.”  
  
He gently pushed Amethyst and Pearl away. 

“So it’s best to just leave me alone, okay? I appreciate you guys’ concern, but I will be fine… just let me, uh, think for a while. I don’t want to hurt you guys.”  
  
“You won’t hurt us.” Connie said sternly, kneeling down beside him. “And we’re staying.”  
  
“But I asked you to leave. Please, I…”  
  
He gulped, turning fully pink. He knew what would make them go away: something that seemed real enough to work, while also not being a lie. 

“I just need to be... _alone_. right now."

Connie frowned. “... You’re pink.”

Steven shrugged, giving her a reassuring smile. “It’ll go away soon. I just need some time to myself, okay? To think things over.”

Connie stood and looked around at the group. They looked back at her, then at Garnet. Garnet glanced down at Steven, adjusted her visor, and frowned deeply.

“... We can go.” She said after a few moments, as if unsure. 

“But…” Pearl started to object. Garnet put a hand up, stopping her, then walked away. Slowly, they all followed suit. Connie was the last one to go.

Steven glanced over once the footsteps were finally out of earshot. They were gone.

He sighed and hauled himself up and to the shore, kicking off his sandals and dipping his toes into the wet sand. 

This used to bring him peace, but it didn’t seem to make him feel _anything_ anymore. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he really _felt_ anything other than anger and deep, deep, despair. Even on Blue’s clouds, his happiness was dulled. He was piloting a body that was no longer useful-- no longer _needed_ to the world. And even if it was, he couldn’t function. 

The waves hit his feet again, washing over him. Another wave came, a wave of _calm_.

He looked up to the sky, seeing the stars that twinkled beautifully, and smelt the salty air.

He breathed out slowly, peacefully.

He lifted up his shirt delicately, using his other hand to grasp onto the rim of his gem. He breathed out, dispelling the pink that immediately overtook him.

A protest tried to come to his mind, but he shut it out. 

He gulped and looked back out at the ocean one last time.

_I’ll be okay._

He grit his teeth,

And pulled.

From far off, footsteps began to sprint for him. He didn’t hear them, his gem now half way out. He panted and whined, tears coming to his eyes at the struggle. It looked so easy when White did it... 

His arm swelled up and he yanked again, desperately.

Almost… there…

**_“STEVEN!”_ **

Steven screamed out and let go of his gem, falling back onto the sand and scrambling to his feet as everyone rushed towards him.

“What??” He sputtered. “But-- but you guys left!”

“I knew there was a chance you’d do this!” Garnet cried out. “So we didn’t leave-- but I--”  
  
She wiped her eyes. “I never thought you’d actually…”  
  
Steven gulped and looked at the group. Pearl was staring at his loose gem, eyes skittering around. Amethyst was buried into Garnet’s leg, hugging it and turned away. Connie was just staring down at his stomach in shock and Greg was holding back tears, giving Steven a heartbroken, guilty, look that made his stomach churn.

Steven glanced down at his gem.

“...”  
  
He reached for it.  
  
“DON'T!” Connie and Pearl cried. Steven jolted.

“I… I’m gonna put it back in.” He rasped. “I wouldn’t do that in front of you guys.”

Connie and Pearl didn’t relax, but stood still as he pressed it back in, shuddering and lowering his shirt hem.

“Schtu-ball?” Greg croaked. Steven whined and looked away, just the sound of his father’s voice already proving to be too much. 

“Schtu-ball, do- do you want a hug?”  
  
“N-no, dad, thank you, though.”

“...”  
  
Steven screwed his eyes shut. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, _we’re_ sorry.” Greg said. “We failed you somehow, and that’s why you’re like this… we didn’t-- we didn’t convey how much we love you and care about you--”  
  
“That’s not true!” Steven shrilled, energy bursting inside him. “I _know_ how much you guys love me-- that’s the _problem_ _!_ I… You _shouldn’t_ love me. You should go away and never come back because I’m a _monster_. I’m a horrible, _horrible,_ monster!”

His skin took on a gray-ish hue. 

“And… and if you stay, then…” He gulped. “How can I ever leave you like this? I’d just hurt you even more than I am now.”

He buried his head in his hands. 

“And I’m still hurting you-- just by _being here_ , I’m hurting all of you…”

“Steven,” Connie choked, gently grabbing his wrists to pull away his hands. “That’s not true.”  
  
He shook her off. “It _is_ , though! You’re crying, you all are! And It’s because of me!”

“Steven, it’s because we love you!” Connie desperately intoned. 

“And that’s _my_ fault!” Steven fired back, voice breaking. His skin cracked under her touch.

Pearl spoke up. “How long have you felt this way?”

He backed up from the group, forcing his tears to stay inside. He shouldn’t tell them, but he couldn’t resist. His feelings had been bottled up for so long, it was like they weren’t there at all.

“...I-I guess it’s been getting really strong ever since Earth was liberated... Before that, when Earth was still under attack, I guess I didn’t really think about it because I had _other_ stuff going on, y’know? There was always a reason to _get up_ and _go do_ things. Like, Jasper was still a threat, or we had to deal with the Diamonds, Spinel, Little Homeschool. But now there’s _nothing_ ! There isn’t a _reason_ to get out of bed anymore! I’m not needed for anything-- I’ve fulfilled my destiny! What does the hero do after the story ends, huh? Where does he _go?_ ‘ _Happily ever after’?_ That doesn't exist! Life just keeps going and going and nothing ever HAPPENS anymore! Every day blends together, time passes by so quick that I end up staying up ‘til like 5 AM and then I sleep in a ton, which makes the day even _shorter_ , which makes the months feel like days and I’m spending most of it just fucking lying in bed, doing NOTHING!”  
  
His voice cracked. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either! Death is scary, but life just _fucking sucks!”_

Finally, he started to sob. Clear, blue, tears streaking down his face.

“There’s nothing to live for anymore… and everything that made life good is gone. All my friends, my relationships… my accomplishments-- they don’t exist anymore. Everyone’s left me behind.”

He hugged himself, and bright, hot, orange, tears flowed from his eyes, burning the old ones and letting out steam.

“And I don’t blame them. I’m a monster. I’m a terrible, disgusting, murderous, good-for-nothing _monster_.”

His skin cracked.

“... No,” He mumbled. “Monsters don’t know the pain they’re causing when they hurt people.”

From the cracked skin, hot lava poured out, turning the sand to glass beneath him. His family backed up.

“I’m _worse_ than a monster.”

He erupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is a sensitive topic and I'm sorry if my writing was not accurate or even offensive. If it was, please know I did not have any intentions of it being so and I tried my best. Also, by the way, when greg says they've 'failed' because they didn't show him enough love-- I do not believe that. That's his mindset at the time but suicide is not /anyone's/ fault. 
> 
> As always, please leave a comment if you enjoyed


	4. I Am My Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven feels like a monster, and it's up to his friends and family to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// self harm, body horror, general horror

From the beach came a drawn out, forlorn, cry. A monster, rearing up it’s three heads, poured it’s white hot lava tears down onto the sand and ocean, splashing up and hardening it. 

“STEVEN!” Greg cried, backing up. “W--Where is-- is  _ that  _ **_HIM!?”_ **

Garnet pulled everyone back from Steven as he stomped down onto the beach, turning away to head off.

Garnet stood up. “I… I believe so. He- he was crying lava earlier…”

“ How!?”  Pearl cried. “Is he-- is he  _ corrupted !?” _   
  
“No.” Garnet frowned. “His body is reacting to his state of mind. He must believe he’s… some sort of  _ monster _ .”

The group looked up at Steven, lumbering down the beach.

“What… do we do?” Connie asked. 

Garnet adjusted her visor. “...”

“What’re those..?” Pearl asked, pointing to the sky. Connie followed her gaze. 

In the sky were three figures: Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis. Peridot and Bismuth swooped down, striking one of Steven’s faces, causing lava to gush out of the wound.  His face cried out, bits of his stone skin falling away into the depths of his lava interior. A new face formed over the wound. Now, the beast with four heads, looked to the attackers who came around again.

“STOP!” Garnet cried out. 

They couldn’t hear her, and swooped down again. Steven raised a claw to shield itself, and they sliced along his paw. He howled, the paw gushing out lava and forming a half-baked face over it. He set down his paw, crushing and twisting the face into agony. 

“Oh my  _ god _ .” Connie gagged, turning away. “This is awful.”   


Garnet growled and ran forward, jumping up into the air and latching onto one of the attackers while they were at their lowest point. The group heard her yell something, and then all the attackers flew down onto the beach. Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot landed and looked back up at Steven.

“So that’s Steven?” Bismuth asked. “Why is he… like that?”

“He believes he’s a monster, so he’s become one.” Garnet explained. “... He is in great pain.”   
  
“I can see that…” Bismuth frowned, looking at the crushed head that kept getting stomped on. “... What do we  _ do _ ?”   
  
“We need to stop him from getting any closer to the town.” Garnet said. “Connie, I need you to go and evacuate everyone. We’ll lure him into the ocean, and then Lapis can hold him down.”   
  
“Got it.” Lapis said, flying up and preparing herself. Garnet looked back at Connie, who didn’t move. She was transfixed on Steven, eyes welling up with tears.

Garnet sighed. “... Connie, you need to go.”   
  
“But… I need to be here for Steven.” She whined, looking at Garnet. “He’s in so much pain…”   
  
“Use Lion, you’ll be back sooner.”   
  
Connie nodded solemnly and called out to Lion while Garnet turned to the ocean and put her hands on Pearl and Amethyst. “Let’s go, guys.”   


Alexandrite formed, rushing over to where Steven was. Steven snarled, snapping a head at her. She backed up and then huffed, grabbing his sides. His body crumbled under her hands, causing her hands to go through his body, into his lava interior, and crush his midsection. He howled out in pain and she backed up, horrified, as millions of half-formed faces covered up the wound, stitching him back together.

Terrified, he reared up and slithered into the ocean. The lava, still pouring out, collided with the waves, hardening them into obsidian and trapping his paws. He cried out, trying to yank himself free, but the obsidian was too hard. He was stuck.

He turned his heads towards the sky, howling out in pure anguish, shaking the beach and cracking apart the Earth beneath him. 

Alexandrite broke apart at the sight: Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst landing on the beach in a crumpled mess. 

“He’s in so much  _ pain _ …” Pearl sobbed.    
  
“I know!” Amethyst looked up at him. “I don’t want to hurt him!”   
  
Garnet wavered, then grit her teeth and formed back together. “We can’t focus on that-- we need to focus on  _ fixing _ this!”   
  
“How?!” Amethyst asked.

“We need to reach him in there somehow…” Garnet said. “We need to appeal to his humanity! Make him feel better!”   
  
Amethyst groaned. “Steven would be great at that.”   
  
“He would…” Pearl said. 

“Well, Steven’s not here right now.” Garnet seethed/

Lapis flew back down to shore and landed by them. “Well, he’s trapped.”

Garnet sat up, looking at Steven. “Maybe we can talk to him…”   
  
“Would he even understand us?” Lapis asked.   
  
“Worth a shot.”   
  
Lapis nodded and flew to him again, hovering in front of him and supposedly speaking. He ducked his heads down and whined lowly.

Lapis flew back.

“I don’t think he understood me, and if he did, he didn’t want to hear what I had to say.”   


Connie warped back in on Lion and hopped off of him. “I’m back.” She said, then looked up at Steven and winced. “Oh, god… Did you guys do that to him?”   
  
“We needed to keep him contained…” Pearl said. “We didn’t know it’d hurt him.”   
  
“Then free him! Stop hurting him!” Connie badgered.   


“I can try.” Lapis said, hovering above the water and making it move away from his paws. Steven glanced down, but didn’t move an inch.

“Why isn’t he moving?” Lapis asked.

“He’s hurting himself.” Connie muttered in horror. “Oh my god, he’s  _ letting _ the water hurt him!”   


“Why would he do that!?” Lapis looked down, letting the water go back. Steven whimpered.

“He…” Connie choked on her words and shook her head. “I don't know."

“That’s it.” Garnet fumed. “We  _ need _ to fix this.”   
  
“Well, do you have a plan?” Peridot asked.

Garnet adjusted her visor, taking a minute to go over all paths before nodding. “Yes. Peridot, fly to the beach house and call the Diamonds-- we’ll need their power for this. Especially Yellow’s.”   
  
Peridot saluted. “On it.” 

“The rest of us have to try and talk to him, make him understand that we love him, and that’s  _ not _ a bad thing.”   
  
“Right.” Greg said.

Peridot grabbed her trash can and flew off. 

The group let out a sigh of relief, the battle finally slowing a bit. Lapis gathered up some water, creating a hand, then touching it down on the beach.

“Anyone who wants to talk to Steven, get on.”

Greg and Connie both stepped forward. Connie let Greg go first, and Greg smiled, thankful. He stepped on, then was carried out to the ocean. Lapis put him in front of the most completed face. 

“Okay, say your piece.” She said.   
  
Greg nodded and looked into Steven’s eyes, pouring lava. His bottom lip trembled and he swallowed his tears, walking closer to Steven.

“Son, I-- I love you, you know that, right?”   
  
No response.   
  
Greg sighed and sat down on the hand. “I know you don’t  _ want _ me to love you, but… I’m your dad, I’m gonna love you no matter what, kiddo… and I wanna be here to support you through the good  _ and _ the bad…”   
  
He reached out and delicately touched his nose. It cracked a little.   
  
“If you want, I can give you something to do every day… Maybe we can learn a new song every week, or um… go volunteer! Give you a reason to get outta bed. Does that sound good?"

Greg looked into his son’s eyes. He averted his gaze. Greg frowned. “Steven, look at me, please.”   
  
Steven didn’t respond.

Lapis spoke up. “I think we might need to try someone else… but that was really touching, Greg.”

“Thanks, Lapis.” Greg sighed. “But it didn’t work.”   
  
Lapis thought for a moment, before giving Greg a reassuring pat on the back. “... Something will.”   
  
She brought him back. Peridot was on the shore.

“The Diamonds are on their way.” Peridot reported. “Since it’s an emergency, I think they’re going to use light spee--”   
  
The Diamond ship immediately appeared in the sky.

“--d. Wow.” Peridot looked up. “They’re quick.”

The Diamond ship touched down on the beach, a hole forming in it’s side as the Diamonds and Spinel came out. They all looked incredibly worried. 

“Steven!” Blue called. “Where-- oh my stars!” She gasped. “Is that-- is that him!?”   
  
“It’s worse than I thought…” Yellow said. “He’s so ugly…”   
  
“Yellow, you can’t judge based on appearance!” White reminded. “But… yes, I do admit, it’s disturbing me.” 

“Yellow Diamond!” Garnet called. Yellow looked down.    
  
“Try using your power to turn him back!” 

Yellow blinked, taken aback by the command before she nodded. “Um, right.”   
  
She raised a hand and blasted him with her power. His heads shrunk for a second, before screaming and bursting like bubbles, lava splashing into the sea. The lava from inside him erupted and formed one, giant, head in their place. 

Yellow winced, rescinding her power. “...”

“I know!” Blue said quickly, starting to panic. “M-maybe he needs to  _ feel _ better first!”   
  
She summoned a cloud and blew it to him. It hit him and he smiled for a moment, then immediately went back to normal. Blue frowned. “Oh, wow… He’s  _ really  _ sad, isn’t he?”   
  
“I’ve got it.” White Diamond said. “I know  _ exactly  _ how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we’ll know what he’s going through…”   
  
She walked through the waves. Steven whined and tried to back away, but couldn’t. She held out her hands.   
  
“Now, then, do you hear me, Steven?” She coaxed, giving him a smile. “Just relax and let me in…”

She shut her eyes, diamond giving off all colours of the rainbow, reacting to his gem, before she opened her eyes. They shone orange and she immediately went limp, collapsing into the ocean.

“WHITE!” Blue and Yellow cried, running to her and lifting her up. White gasped, breaking out of her power. “What happened?” Asked Blue.

“I felt… An intense feeling of- of  _ hopelessness  _ and despair.” White confessed. “I-- I’ve never felt despair so _strongly_ since Pink died…”   


Steven’s eyes widened and he cried out, lifting his head up. White paled. “Steven!?”

“He’s gonna hurt himself!” Lapis shrieked. “Stop him!”   
  
He slammed his head towards the water and all three Diamonds grabbed underneath him to try and stop him, but their hands passed right through, severing himself shoulders up-- his lifeless head splashed into the water and crumbled. The Diamonds retreated to shore. The gems gasped, watching in horror. Greg gagged.

The lava in his body bubbled and splashed up against the remaining skin, rebuilding him. 

“Oh thank god.” Greg heaved, dropping to his knees. “He’s okay. Hooolllly _crap_ , he’s okay.”   
  
Steven’s head reformed and his eyes flared back to life. He raised his head up again.

_ “OH MY STARS!” _ Pearl shrieked, covering her eyes as he brought it down again. 

“EVERYONE CALM DOWN!” Connie yelled. “BEING SCARED  **ISN’T** HELPING HIM!”   
  
“Connie is right!” Garnet announced. “We need to go to Plan B! Yellow! Make me as big as him!”   
  
“R-right.” Yellow stammered, shaking. 

“Blue, lift everyone up.”

“Of course.” Blue said.

“Everyone, get in line!” Garnet commanded.

Everyone else exchanged looks, then Greg looked to Garnet. He wiped his eyes and nodded.  “You got it.”

Garnet smiled as they all got in line, then turned towards Steven.

“Okay, GO!”

Steven, now having reformed for the third time, was trying to go deeper into the ocean. Suddenly, the ground shook with thundering footsteps. He gasped and looked back, seeing all his friends and family running towards him, arms outstretched, screaming his name lovingly.

He tried to escape, but Garnet grabbed him before he could. She pulled him into a delicate hug, making sure not to crack his body. He screamed, coughing out lava and squirming.   


“Steven,” She said, putting her face in the crook of his neck and rubbing his back. “When I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for  _ you _ now.” She whispered, voice cracking. “I’m here, Steven… I’m here…”

Steven shook, steadily calming. He stared at her, almost in disbelief. 

Lapis flew by. “I-is this working? Can you hear us?” She smiled. “Oh, Steven!” She flew in and hugged him delicately, too.

Slowly, one by one, every single one of his friends and family hugged him, surrounding him with unconditional love. Steven whined louder.

“I’m here, Stchu-ball!” cried Greg. “Whatever you need, I’ll make it happen! You hear me!? We can go do something every day, okay!? I’ll make sure you’re happy!” He pounded his fists against his chest, cracking Steven. Despite this, he still held onto him.

Steven stared down at Greg. Then at Peridot as she began to speak.

“STEVEN!” Peridot yelled. “You never gave up on me for some reason I don’t understand! I’ll do the same for you!”

“I know you feel bad!” Amethyst called tearfully, voice breaking. “Believe me, I can understand! Sometimes it feels like you’re never gonna like yourself but… It’s possible, man! E-even if it takes months, or years, or  _ whatever _ , you’re gonna love yourself one day! And until then, **_I’ll_ ** love you!”

“Steven!” Pearl shouted. “I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret-- you shouldn’t have to hide  _ anything  _ from me! Especially not how you feel! After helping me, after helping _all of us_ with our emotions, we need to give that same love back to you! DO YOU HEAR ME, STEVEN!? **_I LOVE YOU!!!”_ **

Steven shut his eyes.

A pink portal appeared in front of Steven’s face, ejecting Lion and Connie from it. Connie leapt off of Lion with a shout and landed on Steven’s nose. It cracked under her weight and she ran away from the opening gaps, right up to Steven’s face. She panted, then turned to him, placing her hands gently on his skin.

“Steven… I know you never wanted us to see this side of yourself… you were scared that you’d hurt us, but the truth is:  _ we’re not going anywhere. _ No matter what.”   
  
She looked at his broken skin and then chuckled weakly.    
  
“Y’know what? I-I don’t have your powers, but…”   
  
She trailed off, shutting her eyes, and leaning in. She kissed him gently, arms outstretched in a small hug. After a moment, she pulled back and looked at him expectantly.    


The waters stilled, and the night became filled with dreadful silence. Everyone looked at eachother expectantly, then back at Steven. 

Connie furrowed her brows, taking a step back to look up at his expression. “... S-Steven?”   
  
Steven’s eyes were still shut.

“Steven, did you hear us?” Connie asked.    
  
Steven nodded slowly.

Connie frowned. “T-then why…”   
  
She looked down, eyes welling up with tears. “Why aren’t you changing back? Did... did we not do good enough?”   
  
“I don’t think us loving him was the problem.” Garnet muttered, it dawning on her. “He already said he knows we love him…”   
  
“He just doesn’t love himself.” Amethyst whispered. 

Pearl gasped. “That’s right…”   
  
“Oh, Steven…” Lapis whimpered. 

“Steven.” Garnet said, gently grasping his face and tilting it up to look at her. 

“You might not believe us, but I  _ promise _ , we’re going to do everything that we can to make life better for you. Everytime there’s an enemy gem, we’ll fight them for you. Everytime there’s something troubling you, we’ll cry with you. E-everytime you’re hurt… we’ll be there to pick you back up.”

Garnet ducked her head down, tears streaming from behind her visor. “So… please…” She looked up, her visor disappearing. “Give us a chance! We’ll help you love yourself!”

“That’s right!” Greg said. “We can do something every day, Steven!"   
  
“You said you didn’t want to die!” Amethyst hollered. “Then don’t die! Live! With us! We won’t leave you behind, Steven! And I’m sure that all of your friends who are away right now would come back in a  _ heartbeat  _ if they knew you felt this way!”

“You’re scared you’re going to hurt us, but even like this, you haven’t hurt anyone except yourself!” Pearl bawled. “We’ll be here for you, no matter what! I know you, Steven, and I know you’re  _ not _ a monster!”   
  
Tears welled up in Steven’s eyes. Connie beamed. “Yes! Steven! You hear them! You--”    
  
She hugged him again.

“Steven, I know you’re hurting so much right now… I know that right now it probably feels like nothing’s ever going to get better, but that’s a lie!” She started to cry, pounding her fists down and letting out all of her pain, hoping to ease Steven's. "Steven, you've been through hell and back, and I _know_ you can recover from this, too! But this time, you _won't_ be alone! We'll help you! We'll make sure life is-is worth living! And that every second of it, you feel good!"

She kissed him again, and again, and again, then sobbed.

“I love you, so,  _ so _ , much, Steven. So believe me when- when I say I’ll take care of you, too. I’m sorry I-- I failed before.” She sobbed. “I failed to protect you, to be by your side!”   
  
He whined and said something garbled. 

She sniffled. “Augh, sorry, I really shouldn’t be blaming myself, I know…” She chuckled tearily, it breaking off into a choked sob at the end. “You’d be telling me that right now, wouldn’t you…?”   
  
She sighed.

“You always take such good care of everyone...  Give  _ us  _ a chance to take care of  _ you _ .”

Steven looked around at all his friends and family, at their supporting faces, finally feeling their love flow into him. Feeling hope, hope for a new beginning, rise up in him as well. 

“...”

He shut his eyes and pink tears flowed from them, splashing into the ocean. His skin broke and crumbled, and Connie was lifted up by Garnet as everyone backed away. Steven erupted, magma sinking down into the ocean and leaving behind just a small, curled up, boy.

\----

Steven opened his eyes. It was approaching morning now, and he squinted against the slightly brighter sky. He glanced around, seeing many figures, before he felt a warm, familiar, touch on his cheek.  Connie stroked his cheek and brushed a curl from his face. 

“Hi." She whispered.   
  
He smiled.  “Hi.”   
  
He sat up slowly, helped by Garnet.

Around him, everyone was smiling. He could tell they were just relieved to see him okay again. Steven looked down at the ground, and noticed that it was made of obsidian, likely from his lava tears and spittle. A small, black, island.

He sighed and glanced down at his arm.

There was a new tattoo there. A scary mouth with an eye inside it.

“We can get it removed.” Connie reassured, kissing his cheek. “It’ll be okay, Steven.”   
  
He smiled softly and leaned against her, glancing out at the sea of loving faces again. He looked at his dad. 

“... Hey, dad?” He mumbled.    
  
“Yeah?” His dad answered, perking up.

“I never answered your question.” He said, then smiled. “I’d love to learn some new songs with you.” 

Greg choked out a sob and beamed. “Oh, Steven--” He hugged him. Steven hugged him back, and soon everyone was holding him close. 

Steven shut his eyes and sighed happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed!


	5. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven gets better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //tw talks of suicide/suicidal thoughts, medication

“Wake up, sleepyhead~”   
  
Steven cracked open an eye. “Huh…?”   
  
Connie smiled and kissed his forehead. “Wake up, Steven. It’s ten already.”   
  
“Aw, really?” He groaned. “Okay…”   
  
He stretched out and slowly sat up, then laid back down again. “Five more minutes…”   
  
Connie shook her head. “Nope, you said you wanted to get up at ten every day, and you’re gonna do just that. Come on.”   
  
“But I’m so tired~”   
  
“That’s because you’re in bed.”   
  
Steven groaned and rolled over. Connie huffed.   
  
“Okay, you know you’re gonna regret this later.”   
  
“... I know…”   
  
Connie sighed and gently put a hand on him. “If you don’t get up I’m gonna pull the sheets off of you.”   
  
Steven sighed. “Okay, okay…”   
  
He slowly got out of bed and yawned. “Mm~ I’m awake, I’m awake…”   
  
Connie smiled and kissed his cheek. “Good, because Pearl made breakfast. C’mon.”

“Gimme a sec…” He said, reaching for his pill bottle and taking his daily dose. Once done, he turned it upside down so he wouldn’t take it again. Connie waited for him, then she held his hand and led him downstairs. On the table were two plates of pancakes. Steven smiled. “Oh, nice…”   
  
He sat down and Connie did too, beginning to eat.   
  
“So…” Steven began. “How’s school?”   
  
“Good.” She answered. “Um, psychology’s kinda kicking my butt right now, but I think it’s worth it because of how fascinating it all is. Counseling’s also hard but not as interesting.”   
  
“Tell me a cool psychology fact.”   
  
“Hmm…” Connie swallowed a bite. “On average, your brain wanders 30% of the time.”   
  
“Whoa, really?” Steven asked.   
  
“Mhmm." She nodded. "So 30% of our thinking is just daydreams or nothingness.”   
  
“Cool…”

They ate in silence together.   
  
Once they were both done with their food, Steven got up and took all their plates to the sink, working on rinsing them off. He turned to Connie absentmindedly. “So… uh… I’m probably gonna go to the island after this… wanna come with?”   
  
“Well, actually…” Connie stood. “I was thinking we could do something _else_ right now?”   
  
“Like what?”   
  
Connie walked over to the kitchen. “Well, it’s Buck’s birthday today… and I was hoping we could make a cake for him!” She opened the fridge, revealing some frosting, eggs, and other cake ingredients. “You like baking, right?”   
  
Steven smiled. “I do! Well, I mean, I haven’t baked since I was a kid, but…”   
  
“Then it’s a good time to try again.” Connie said, getting out some ingredients. “Go grab me some flour, okay?”   
  
Steven nodded, finishing with rinsing the dishes before he got some flour and set it down. “Done! And... “ He set down a bag of sugar. “Sugar, too.”   
  
“Thank you.” Connie said, grabbing a bowl and putting some flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda into a bowl and beginning to mix it. “Preheat the oven.”   
  
Steven nodded and did so, then reclined against the counter, watching her work. 

She glanced up, then gasped as she realized something. “Oh! You probably want to do it.”   
  
Steven shook his head. “No… I’m, uh, good.”   
  
Connie frowned and put down the bowl. “... You sound off. What’s up?”   
  
Steven sighed. “I’m fine.”   
  
“Steven, I’m studying psychology; you can’t hide your feelings from me.”

Steven blushed. “... You’re right. I just... “ He looked around and sighed. “None of this feels  _ right _ . I feel…  _ wrong _ being alive. I mean, I’m not gonna kill myself or anything, but this still just feels  _ wrong _ . It feels like… like I  _ should _ have died on that beach-- or maybe I  _ did _ and  _ somehow _ I’m here… but it’s wrong.”   


Connie reached out gently and held his hand. “... Well… I um…”   
  
She sighed.   
  
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what I can say to make you feel better.”   
  
“You don’t have to say anything.” Steven said, squeezing her hand and giving her a smile. “Just you and everyone else being here is comforting. ‘S not your responsibility to make sure I’m good all the time…”   
  
Connie smiled and hugged him. “Aw, Steven…”   
  
Steven hugged her back. She sighed and rubbed his back.

“Make sure to talk to your therapist about that on Sunday.”   
  
“I will.” 

“Good. I hope he can help you.”   
  
“Me, too.”

They separated.

“Wanna keep baking?”   
  
“‘Course.”

\----

An hour later, the cake was done. Connie boxed it up and checked her phone, saying she had to get back home. Steven waved goodbye as she left, then sighed.   
  
He looked around the empty house.   
  
It had been a few months, and he was doing better, so it made sense the gems trusted him to be alone. It still felt weird, though. There was nothing to distract him from his thoughts. 

He picked up the watering can by the front door, then walked out across his beach. He hopped over the hill at the end and landed on the beach where he attempted to take his life. He took a deep breath, smelling the sea air and looking up to the sky, in a different space than last time. This beach still reminded him of that night, but this time, he knew he would be okay. 

He walked to the shore and waded into the ocean.

Not too far from the shore was Steven’s obsidian island, made from his tears and suffering months ago. Now, it sprouted new life. It was covered in greenery, thriving in the sun and sea. Butterflies fluttered around and bugs jumped from leaf to leaf, enriching their hosts. Steven climbed up on the island and smiled down at his plants.

“Hi, everyone~” He murmured, kneeling down and collecting sea water in his can. The sea sloshed in and he lifted it up, proceeding to sprinkle some water on the plants, putting care into each one.

Once he was done with that, he set down his can and sat beside it, dipping his feet into the comforting waters. His bottom half was already soaked from wading over, but it still felt nice... having the seaweed lap at his feet, the foam rinse his shins, and the sun shine down on his shoulders. He shut his eyes, practically purring at how peaceful his world was. 

“...”

Tears swelled at the corners of his eyes.

He actually felt… good for once.  _ Purely  _ **_good_ ** .   


A great tremor overtook him before he let out a soft sob. Tears streamed down his face, past his smile, and splashed into the water, lapping up against his sand covered soles. The leaves behind him swayed in the wind, their vibrant green glowing under the warm sunshine that made everything around him warm. He hugged himself and pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in them.

After a few moments, a butterfly with a fiery colouration landed on his head. He looked up, wiping his eyes and stuffy nose, watching it fly down to his arm instead. He studied the butterfly, just laying there, before he chuckled and placed his finger in front of it. It gladly crawled on, and he set it free in the air, letting it fly away.

“Bye, little butterfly…”

He chuckled, heart warm.

His phone buzzed and he jolted a bit before checking the message.

_ Dad: hey kiddo! Sorry I wasn’t at the house this morning. I overslept. You wanna come over and hang? B) _

Steven chuckled.

_ Me: yes. omw.  _

He pocketed his phone again and headed off.

\----

Steven spent the day hanging with his dad, then going to Buck’s birthday party, then heading back home and calling Connie. It was a fun day, packed full of friends and joy: he went to sleep happy.

Not all days were good, though.

Sometimes, he’d relapse.

Sometimes, he’d forget his medication.

Sometimes, he just felt like shit. People couldn’t hang out, things didn’t work out, a plant died or his phone broke.

But he kept going. And every day he found joy in the little things just like his therapist said. He found joy in the ocean, the sand, the sky, the sunrises and sunsets. He found joy in making art, in listening to a good song, in watching his favourite TV show. 

He found joy in just the fact he had made it this far.

And for now, that was enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaanndd done! Hope y'all enjoyed :) Again, please leave a comment if you did <3 ily

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed!!! Let's get some hype going yeehawwww


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